Uncanny Spider-Man #5: Well Now That’s Done

The remainder of the quote I used for the title of this issue comes from The Waste Land and the rest of the stanza goes like this:

Her brain allows one half-formed thought to pass:

‘Well now that’s done: and I’m glad it’s over.’

When lovely woman stoops to folly and

Paces about her room again, alone,

She smooths her hair with automatic hand,

And puts a record on the gramophone.

The poem describes a moment that ought to be intensely significant but which is, instead, rendered absolutely banal due to the limitations of the participants. This story, in the hands of this writer, suffers similar deficits.

Even Legion (this writer’s favorite Mary Sue, who was shoehorned in with all of the superfluity of my spayed dog’s nipples) could not force a moment, any moment, to its climax. His ‘super important’ star turn served primarily to possess a vacant body and diddle about on a computer for three seconds, to little result.

By the end of the story, Nightcrawler had renounced his role as Spider-Person, Mystique had run off to boff Cloak and Dagger (because this cis, straight male writer can only depict queer people either in extreme distress or else as solely defined by who they like to sleep with and minus any other personality), and Orchis was free to run on, trampling however they will.

This story was about as impactful as a baby’s fart in the middle of a hurricane, is what I’m saying.

The best that I can say is that it’s over, at last, and as a final issue it was only mildly offensive.

Lee Garbett and Simone Buonfantino worked together fluidly to produce some truly lovely, dynamic art. Their work carried what little emotional effect this story produced. Their fight scenes were particularly effective, carrying the action with cinematic verve.